LIVE IT, SURVIVE IT, TEACH IT

25 years ago I went to work at the World Financial Center in NY. I worked for a financial firm's internal EAP.  I was commuting in earlier that day to stop off and bring bagels in for our staff meeting. Nearing my building I looked up with others to see a ring of fire around one of the towers. Thinking it was a small commercial plane, watched it as long as I could and moved on. In office the news on the TV in the conference room told a different story. One that mobilized our health team to set up triage stations in the community. I asked to come along. They gave me a badge to identify me being with the health team, but this badge actually gave me clearance to anywhere in the area. My job was to go out in there and if anyone needed assistance to bring them back. Off I went into the surreal.
Under the WTC there was a mall. Explosions and fires erupted. People ran out of the ground burnt. I went to them and brought them back to the triage station. All they wanted was water. I ran to find some. I ran all over. Into abandoned meeting rooms and grabbed them off the desks, corner stores were offering them up. After I returned I went back out into the...
First responders were just arriving. There was no order but they were trying to set up boundaries. I remember from my vantage  point, I was watching the firemen assembling in front of the Tower. Laying out their equipment. Sizing up the building.  They were looking up at the flames near the top. They would be climbing up those stairwells, hundreds of floors.  They would not come back.

I was at the base of WTC. We were all looking up because bodies were falling. It was such a long decent. Sometimes in groups 2-3 at a time. As they neared impact I could see they were all burned and motionless.  Already dead I hoped. When they hit ground I physically recoiled. I was frozen.  Ears ringing. My thoughts went to OK City where I had also been for CIR work. It was bizarre.  I shook my head out of this cloud and started heading back to the triage station. I seen enough.
The triage station was to the side of a building sheltering us from the vision of the WTC.  The street was lined with ambulances. As buildings were evacuating, some stopped off to address their reactions- shock, asthma, panic, just to get their bearings. Then a loud rumble from behind the building we were perched against.  The ground started shaking. The WTC was collapsing and people were running towards us. Behind the a cloud of building debris seemingly chasing them. I stared at it. Frozen again. I heard a familiar voice in the back ground, a colleague of mine, yell Bob Run! I turned and started to try to run. It was like my body was disconnected from my thoughts. Eventually, I moved faster and while looking over my shoulder, headed towards the Hudson River. The debris did not catch me. As I stood at the river looking at the debris being held off from the wind coming off the river, I felt like I beat it. I felt safe from it. At this point I didn't now what to do. Do I try to get home or stay and help. I stayed and walked back towards fallen building. With more first responders on the scene they were setting up a perimeter. My badge continued to give me access. People were emerging from the dust of the debris.  They were covered. Eyes wide open and making a B-line to anywhere but there.  Everything in my body was telling me to not go to towards the fallen building as if there were a force field keeping me from moving in. I respected that. When the second building came down I was further away but with a better vantage point to see the entire top crush to the ground. I ran to the river nonetheless. Safe again, I walked back towards the chaos.
I was running around looking to help people but not connecting with anyone. At this point everyone was trying to get as far away as they could. I came upon a women having trouble breathing. My brain said look for oxygen. I new there tanks that were brought down. I found one and ran over to it. As I knelt down trying to figure how to work it, Police intervene. Not to help me but they thought I was planting a bomb.  They I.D.'d me and let me go.  From that point forward my mission was to get home. I was done helping. I got home at midnight. We never had the bagels.
The next 6 months or so was daily, massive CIR support for all the employees relocated to NJ. When the NY building was cleared to return, I couldn't do it. With no other options offered, I took leave.
Not having the distraction of work a tidal wave of emotion caught up to me and rendered  me helpless. I distinctly remembered and thought, what if that cloud of debris caught up with me? I imagined being overtaken by the weight of the crumbled concrete. Being buried. I thought of others who were buried. It did me in.

I thought there was no way I could ever be a counselor again. I could not listen to anything related to 9/11; and everything was related to 9/11. I left my job, eventually started bartending for work. We had just built our house that we would have to move from eventually.
At some point, 6-7 months later, I asked myself, "what am I doing?" I saw a counselor briefly and I took a job at a military base's family center.  This seem to fit. I was too old to enlist which was one of my first instincts. The road back to traditional EAP work and CIR began.

I share this story periodically. Sometimes I go into more or less detail. I don't know if people read it, I know it helps that I write it.
Due to the nature of my chosen work, I am never far from 9/11. It has changed my life in ways I'm still learning. Each year I pause to reflect, listen to the bell toll, see the families who have lost family members. I think of my colleagues that day and beyond. I think about my profession and all of us who were there providing CIR in the days afterwards. All the people who do CIR work. Time is taking this generation of EAP CIR workers, but the body of knowledge remains. It is here, still.

In honor of the 25 years, I am offering free training access to develop 25 EAP MRA Responders. By filling out this application, the first 25 will receive a passcode to the training videos, post test and coaching. Upon completing, you will receive the Certificate of Specialized Training, digital badge, CEUs, and listing in the EAP MRA Responder Network.

To qualify, you must be a licensed, Masters Level Counselor actively involved or interested in pursing onsite CIR work.